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Action 52
(After the full version of the intro, we cut to the G-man at his desk in his room. He’s wearing a suit and tie as apposed to his usual shirt) G-man (V.O): Hello, everyone! I am the G-man, and that’s all you need to know about that. And welcome to my 50th episode! (The theme song for the Price is Right starts as clips from previous episodes begin to play) G-man (V.O): Honestly, I had no idea I would make it this far. From humble beginnings all the way to now, I enjoy what I do, and I’m proud of it! I’m so glad you could all be a part of it, and I hope this continues! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Now, you’re probably wondering what I’m reviewing. Well, believe it or not, it’s actually a game for the Nintendo Entertainment System. Its name? Action 52! (He waits a while before speaking again) This is usually the part where I’d show you clips of gameplay, but sadly, due to this game’s obscurity, this is a game I don’t own. So, that leaves one thing left to do: (He holds up a USB NES controller) Emulators! (Cut to a picture of the game’s cartridge) G-man (V.O): Here’s a look at the cartridge. Why the hell is the casing clear plastic as apposed to the typical grey color? I get that they wanted to be quote end-quote "Unique", but this is ridiculous! (Cut to the game box) Another reason as to why I don’t own this is because of its suggested retail price: Almost two-hundred dollars! (Cut back to the game) G-man: But, like the title suggests, there are actually 52 games! Why that number? Why not have fifty games? What’s with the extra two? (He sighs) Well, I know you want me to play something, so here it is: This is Action 52! (Cut to the opening cutscene) G-man (V.O): Lights… Camera… Action 52! Yep, it’s that sleezy. Ingame voice: Make your selection now! G-man (V.O): Oh God, it talks… (Cut to the game select screen) Well, there are three pages worth of games. You can press select to change it, and start to choose the game. Since it’s my 50th episode, we’re going to have a little marathon of the games on this cartridge. Firebreather/Fire Breather G-man (V.O): Number one: Firebreather. You and someone else play as some kind of dragons that, you guessed it! Breathe fire! The D-pad is to move, and A is to shoot. This is literally the only game that’s made for two players. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: So, unless you have someone else to play this crap with you, the first game is useless! That’s like if my first episode was only in Japanese. You can’t do that! (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): To quit the game, you pause the game with start, and hit select. Get used to it. You’ll be doing it a lot. Starevil/Star Evil G-man (V.O): Number two: Star Evil. (Just as the game begins, the spaceship the G-man’s controlling crashes into an obstacle. Cut back to the G-man with his mouth gaping) G-man: You’ve got to be kidding me! There’s an obstacle immediately at the start of the game?! Even if you have the fastest, catlike reflexes, you’re not dodging that shit the first time you play it. (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): In this game, you just shoot these Q-tip projectiles at enemy ships. And if you hold down A, nothing spawns near you. Making this game too easy. (Cut to the boss) Is that supposed to be a spaceship or a birthday cake? Sometimes, this thing doesn’t show up at all. Did the game give up? Illuminator G-man (V.O): Number three: Illuminator. (The game begins, not even three seconds into gameplay, the screen goes black) What the-? What happened?! You’re not allowed to see in this game, and the only way to turn on the lights is till these white-skinned creatures. Or are they vampires? Any way, this game is- (The character the G-man’s controlling dies and gets turned into dust in a weird-shaped fashion) Did I just get turned into shit? G-Force FGT./G-Force (G-Force Fighter) G-man (V.O): Number four: G-Force… F- What? (The player selection menu appears) Or just G-Force. This time, you’re a dolphin/spaceship shooting at… (Cut to a zoom-in on a phallic-looking enemy) Moving on… Ooze G-man (V.O): Number five: Ooze. (Cut to the game’s title screen) Oh! This one actually has a title screen! I’m surprised! Well, this game is the first to use the B button. FOR JUMPING! And it’s not simple, either. Unlike games like Super Mario, you tap B, and then the direction you want to jump. Anyway, you play as this guy shooting a gun at booger-like objects. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: You want to know something weird? Every time you go back to the main menu, you always start at this game. Why not number one? Or is it just another example of poor programing? (Cut back to the game) Silver Sword G-man (V.O): Number six: Silver Sword. You’re some Link rip-off going through a cabbage patch and slaying enemies with a sword. But do you swing it? No, you throw it! Do I do that with the Rift Blade? No! Why? Because I’m not an idiot like this asshole! Critical BP./Crytical Bypass (Critical Bypass) G-man (V.O): Number seven: Critical BP. Or… Critical Bypass? What’s up with these alternate names? (Cut to the actual game. The background is a mix of black and white splotches. Cut back to the G-man covering his eyes in pain) G-man: Oh, Jesus! That’s horrible! (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): And what are you supposed to be? A medicine ball shooting at Christmas presents? I can’t focus on anything no thanks to the background! Jupiter Scope G-man (V.O): Number eight: Jupiter Scope. You’re a spaceship shooting at asteroids that look like condoms on fire. (There’s a moment of silence before the G-man speaks again) Not much to say. Alfredo/Alfred N the Fettuc (Alfredo and the Fettuccini) G-man (V.O): Number nine: Alfredo, or Alfred N the… Fettuc? (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: What the fuck is Fettuc? Is that something the game made up? (Cut to the word’s page on Urban Dictionary) G-man (V.O): Okay, after some research, it turns out that Fettuc is the drug the developers were smoking when they made this garbage. (Cut back to the game) Anyway, you play as a chef with a melee attack. (The chef the G-man’s controlling tilts his head back and forth. Indicating that he died. Cut back to the G-man in the middle of laughing) G-man: Who the hell does that when they die? (He imitates the chef’s head movements) Like, does he do that when gets shot or something? (Cut back to the game) Operat. Moon/Operation Full Moon G-man (V.O): Number ten: Operation Full Moon. (The game begins. The background is a gross-looking green color) Oh, Christ! Who decided that was a good idea?! What, was their other option piss yellow? (He sighs) Anyway, you’re some kind of tank shooting at frequently-placed guns. That’s all. Dam Busters G-man (V.O): Number eleven: Dam Busters. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Okay, I know the Nerd did a "Damn Busters" joke, and since that would be obvious… (There’s a moment of silence before the G-man speaks again) I’m doing it, too. (He clears his throat) Those Damn Busters! (A punchline rimshot is heard before we cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): Here, you’re Winnie the Pooh going through a maze and throwing tomatoes at enemies. (He gets caught in a dead end, but when he tries to go back, the screen stays in place) What? I’m trapped! Fuck this game, too! Thrusters G-man (V.O): Number twelve: Thrusters. Oh, great. Another space shooter. You know, since the B button is rarely used, this would be perfect for the Atari 2600! But no, we’re sticking with the NES. Next game. Haunted Hill/Haunted Halls (Haunted Halls of Wentworth) G-man (V.O): Number thirteen: Haunted Hill. (The player selection menu appears) Or Haunted Halls? Seriously, make up your damn mind! Anyway, you play as this woman who shoots crosses from her fingertips at ghosts. (The woman the G-man’s controlling falls into a pit and dies before she hits the ground) What the hell happened? Did I die by touching THE AIR?! Chill Out G-man (V.O): Number fourteen: Chill Out. This time, your one of the Ice Climbers throwing snowballs at other Ice Climbers. (The character the G-man’s controlling falls and dies in midair) What the hell? Is that a theme for this game to die in midair? I’d get if you died from falling from too great of a height, but can you at lest look like you made him hit the ground? Sharks G-man (V.O): Number fifteen: Sharks. No, its not a Jaws reference. You’re just a scuba diver shooting sharks underwater. That’s literally all you do! What’s next? Megalonia G-man (V.O): Number sixteen: Megalonia. Ugh! Another space shooter?! Is that what the majority of this game is? Space shooters? (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: That’s like if the majority of my reviews are Barney related! You think that’s what I want? No! (Cut back to the game) French Baker G-man (V.O): Number seventeen: French Baker. You’re a different chef, probably Alfredo’s cousin, throwing rolling pins at food and… Envelopes? Are envelopes really deadly? Let’s test that. (Cut back to the G-man pulling out an envelope and throwing it off camera. A punch sound effect is heard afterwards) Pivot (From offscreen): Ow! G-man: I guess it is. Pivot (From offscreen): You son of a bitch! (Pivot’s fist punches the G-man. The latter of whom grunting and falling out of his chair. Cut back to the game) Atmos Quake G-man (V.O): Number eighteen: Atmos Quake. Oh, come on! Another space shooter?! This time, you’re the ship from Asteroids shooting at upside-down eggs. (Cut back to the main menu) Well, we’re on page 2, so at least we’re making progress. Meong G-man (V.O): Number nineteen: Meong. (Not even a few spaces in, the object the G-man’s controlling suddenly explodes. Cut back to the G-man with his mouth agape) G-man: What. The. Fuck? (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): Get this: You move this purple object from square to square hoping that the next square won’t make you explode. It’s all about trial and error without the trial part. Space Dreams G-man (V.O): Number twenty: Space Dreams. (He sighs) Let’s take a wild guess as to what this is gonna be… (The game begins) Another space shooter. I should’ve known! This time, you’re a pacifier shooting stars at teddy bears, dolls, and… Safety pins? (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Safety pins are enemies in a video game. Please excuse me for the poor joke, but they should be called unsafety pins! (Cut back to the game) Streemerz G-man (V.O): Number twenty-one: Streemerz. You’re a clown shooting what I guess are streamers up ledges while avoiding other clowns. (He encounters a rabbit in a magician’s hat) Okay, what does this do? (He walks over it and nothing happens) Nothing. (He encounters a bag of money) Ooh! A collectable! (He walks towards the bag of money and dies when he touches it. Cut back to the G-man looking utterly shocked) G-man: Money killed me. A collectable killed me! Is that supposed to teach me a lesson that taking free money is dangerous? (Cut back to the game) Spread Fire G-man (V.O): Number twenty-two: Spread Fire. Okay, you’re a lobster shooting green bullets in, you guessed it! Space! I’ll pass. Bublgum Rosy/Bubble Gum Rossie (Bubble Gum Rosie) G-man (V.O): Number twenty-three: Bubble Gum Rosy. (The player selection screen pops up) Or Bubble Gum Rossie? Honestly, this is getting ridiculous! (The game begins) Okay, you’re a little girl blowing bubbles and killing enemies. How can you kill them? With the bubbles? No, by jumping on them! And falling in spikes doesn’t even damage you! This game has no rules. Micro Mike/Micro-Mike G-man (V.O): Number twenty-four: Micro Mike. (The game begins. The object the G-man’s controlling is going way too fast) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! (He dies) What the hell happened?! Moving on… Underground G-man (V.O): Number twenty-five: Underground. Well, at least it looks like we’re underground. (The character the G-man’s controlling dies when it touches the mushrooms) Wait, this asshat can fall down underground and survive, but when he touches the mushrooms, THAT’S what kills him?! Rocket Jock/Rocket Jockey G-man (V.O): Number twenty-six: Rocket Jock. (The player selection screen pops up) Or Rocket Jockey. You’re a cowboy on a rocket ship firing lasers at other ships and… Cows? Oookaaay… (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Well, we’re halfway there. It’s time for a recap, and I’ve got it written down here… (He pulls up a piece of paper with the poop emoji on it) Get it? The games so for are shit. (Cut back to the game) Non Human G-man (V.O): Number twenty-seven: Non-Human without the dash. (Cut to the actual game) Wow, that’s appropriate. Almost everything about this game is Non-Human! I say almost because of these human-like faces at the bottom. If you fall down there, you die. Obviously. Cry Baby G-man (V.O): Number twenty-eight: Cry Baby. Melanie Martinez (V.O singing): Cru Baby, Cry Baby. But you don’t fucking care. Cry Baby, Cry Baby. So you laugh through your tears. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Sadly, that’s not the theme. It’s just a game where (Cut back to the game) you play as a baby attacking with a bottle of milk and falling off furniture. (Cut back to the G-man) It’s easy to mistake the two. (Cut back to the game) Slashers G-man (V.O): Number twenty-nine: Slashers. (The game turns out to be a fighting game) Uh… I was expecting a horror game, not this low-budget Street Fighter rip-off! The controls in this game are slightly different. A is punch, and B is kick. What’s the difference? I have no clue. Crazy Shufle/Crazy Shuffle G-man (V.O): Number thirty: Crazy Shuffle. (The game starts. The sprites are small, and barely recognizable) Jesus! Can the sprites be any smaller? You’re some object shooting at other objects. That’s the whole thing. Fuzz Power G-man (V.O): Number thirty-one: Fuzz Power. You’re a fuzzy caveman with a rolling attack fighting blow dryers and other shit. (The character the G-man’s controlling gets hit and loses the fuzz. He’s now naked. Cut back to the G-man looking disturbed. He slowly mouths the words "What the fuck?!" before we cut back to the game) Shooting Gal/Shooting Gallery G-man (V.O): Number thirty-two: Shooting Gallery. You’re shooting at targets. They never disappear, you never run out of ammo, and you can’t die. That means this game is lazy. Lollipops/Lollipop G-man (V.O): Number thirty-three: Lollipops. (The game begins. The character the G-man’s controlling is holding a large lollipop as a sword) What is this? The literal version of Lollipop Chainsaw? And how do you think I climb this ladder? Up on the D-pad? No, I jump with B! Who the hell jumps up a damn ladder?! Evil Empire G-man (V.O): Number thirty-four: Evil Empire. Once again, the sprites are small as hell. (The character the G-man’s controlling suddenly dies in midair) Of course. What would I expect? In Action 52, if you hit the air hard enough, you die. Sombreros G-man (V.O): Number thirty-five: Sombreros. You’re a guy who I guess is wearing a sombrero dodging cars and shooting at purple vacuum cleaners. (There’s a moment of silence before the G-man speaks again) I don’t get it, either. Storm Over D/Storm Over the Des. (Storm Over the Desert) G-man (V.O): Number thirty-six: Storm Over the Desert. (The title screen pops up) Okay, another title screen. That means it’s good, right? (The game begins) Nope. This time you’re a pink army tank shooting at other army tanks. Not much to say other than- (A giant army general with a moustache runs across the screen. Cut back to the G-man who is taken aback by this) G-man: What the hell?! Was that a giant Saddam Hussein? In a kids’ game no less? Who thought that was a good idea? What’s next? Is Hitler going to make a cameo in the next Resident Evil? (He chuckles a bit) Okay, THAT I would see! (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): Well, we’re at the third and final page of games. Let’s just get this over with. Mash Man G-man (V.O): Number thirty-seven: Mash Man. Okay, seriously? Mash Man looks like the Fuzz Power guy, but with clothes on! They reused the sprite, changed it up a bit, and said: "Yes! Perfect!"! Again, I’ll pass. They Came/They Came… G-man (V.O): Number thirty-eight: They Came. From where, you ask? From space! Obviously! This time all the moving sprites are purple, except for the bullets. ‘Nuff said. Lazer League (Laser League) G-man (V.O): Number thirty-nine: Laser League. Well, they spelt laser with a Z, so you know it’s bad when there’s a grammatical error. By the way, it’s another space shooter. Next. Billy Bob G-man (V.O): Number forty: Billy Bob. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: I swear, if this is a reference to the Town with No Name… (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): Oh! It’s like Prince of Persia, but it’s Billy Bob. I really like the animations the main character has. It’s makes up for the fact that YOU CAN’T CLEAR THIS SECOND SCREEN! City of Doom G-man (V.O): Number forty-one: City of Doom. Okay, you’re some guy climbing the tallest skyscraper in the world. It’s pretty terrible, but at least it doesn’t go into-! (It goes into space) Next… Bits N Piece/Bits and Pieces G-man (V.O): Number forty-two: Bits and Pieces. Okay, it’s a horror game where you jump over monsters. You know what would be nice? If I could attack these assholes! All you do is run and jump with B. No more to explain here. Beeps N Blip/Beeps and Blips G-man (V.O): Number forty-three: Beeps and Blips. Why does that sound like Mr. Game & Watch? (The game begins) What the hell…? Are these unused sprites from other video games? What’s going on here?! Manchester G-man (V.O): Number forty-four: Manchester. You’re some rock star that every time he jumps, the music stops temporarily. (It happens) And that happens every time you jump! And what are these? Note blocks from Super Mario Bros. 3? Whatever, I’m moving on. Boss G-man (V.O): Number forty-five: Boss. (The game begins. The character the G-man’s controlling is a green humanoid with a gun) Uh… I was expecting a game where you defeat a boss, but this is just ridiculous! You’re dodging bombs, so I guess they meant to name this game Bombs? I don’t know… Dedant G-man (V.O): Number forty-six: Dedant. You’re an ant making the other ants dead ants. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: I get it. (There’s a moment of silence before the G-man speaks again) No I don’t. (Cut back to the game) Hambo/Hambos Adventures (Hambo’s Adventures) G-man (V.O): Number forty-seven: Hambo. What is this? A pig Rambo? (The game begins) No, it’s just a version of Donkey Kong with a pig theme. I’ll pass. Timewarp/Time Warp Tickers G-man (V.O): Number forty-eight: Time Warp Tickers. (The game begins. The G-man is controlling two disembodied fingers. Cut back to the G-man with his eyes widened) G-man: What the fu-? What is this?! (Cut back to the game. Every time the fingers kill something, the text "Time?" pops up) G-man (V.O): Time? What does that mean? Why does that appear every time I kill something? Ugh! This is hurting my head. I’m moving on. Jigsaw G-man (V.O): Number forty-nine: Jigsaw. You’re a blue version of Bob the Builder going through a workshop infested with killer tools, and every time he dies, he dances. Fuck that. Ninja Asault/Ninja Assault G-man (V.O): Number fifty: Ninja Assault. You’re the guy from Ninja Gaiden beating up other ninjas and… (A bird appears) Birds? Fuck that. Robbie Robot/Robbie N the Robots G-man (V.O): Number fifty-one: Robbie the Robot. You’re Johnny Bravo in a dress shooting at, you guessed it! Robots! (The character the G-man’s controlling dies. Cut back to the G-man) Cheetahmen/Action Gamemaster (The Cheetahmen) G-man: And here it is: The last game on this cartridge. So far, all of these games have been absolute shit. So this is Action 52’s last chance to redeem itself. Will it be good? (Cut back to the game. The Cheetahman to G-man’s controlling suddenly explosed into four, glowing orbs. Meaning that he died) G-man (V.O): Nope. Actually, this game is unique in the fact that, according to the Internet, there was a comic book that came with the game, and plans for a whole line of Cheetahmen action figures and merchandise. They spent a lot of time on this, and it blows! Also, this one actually has a story. Some gut named the Action Gamemaster was at home playing a game, when an arm comes out of the TV and pulls him inside. He meets the Cheetahmen who agree to protect him from the enemies in the game world. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: That’s the story, that’s the game, and that’s Action 52! Holy hell, that was shit! And I’m so glad this review is over! (Whispering can be heard as the G-man looks to his right) What? A congratulatory montage? For me? (More whispering) Okay, roll it. (The G-man’s theme faintly plays in the background as we cut to the congratulatory montage. First up is Tattletail) Tattletail: Happy birthday! (Whispering can be heard before Tattle laughs a bit) Me mean 50th episode! (Cut to the FanFic Critic) FFC: Hello, G-man. I just want to say congratulations on 50 episodes, and good luck in the future. (Cut to Joe Santagato) Joe: What’s up, G-man? 50 episodes, huh? Geez, talk about a milestone! Keep doing what you’re doing! (Cut to Pinkie Pie) Pinkie: Wow! 50 whole episodes? That’s amazing! Great job, G-man! (Cut to the Angry Video Game Nerd) AVGN: Holy shit! 50 episodes AND Action 52? Kick-fucking-ass! (Cut to the Cinema Snob) CS: 50 episodes, huh? Damn, that’s incredible! Keep going strong, G-man! (Cut to Linkara) Linkara: Hey, G-man. Congratulations on 50 episodes from everyone here at Atop the Fourth Wall! (Cut to Chadtronic) Chad: Holy frick! 50 episodes is awesome, amazing, and many other good A words! Keep doing what you’re doing! (Cut to Eric Wise) Eric: Hey, G-man. It’s ScareTheater. I just want to say congratulations of 50 episodes, and I hope it continues for a long time! (Cut to Alonzo Lerone) Alonzo: So… 50 episodes? That’s pretty cool! Keep on trucking! (Cut to Danny Gonzalez) Danny: Hey, Greg! Just wanted to congratulate you on 50 episodes! You keep being you! (Fade to black, and then to text that says "Congratulations!". Signaling the end of the montage. Cut back to the G-man) G-man: …Wow! Thanks, everyone! And thank you to all of you that keep viewing my show! I am the G-man, and that’s all you need to know about that! Peace! (Fade to black with white text) Text: Thanks for putting up with my bullshit for 50 episodes! Category:Episode